Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
You Might Also Like
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.