Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
So, can we agree on 4 or