Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
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[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER