I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
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Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Cha-ching is my safe word
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.