Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?