[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
doing some research
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.