Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
barbara was highly relatable
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.