3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?