Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.