WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog