“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*