7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Sending in my taxes
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..