WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
The best shot in the history of golf
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer