A game married people play.
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
cause of death:
autopsy.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.