Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww