My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?