I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
You Might Also Like
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
When your man makes a valid point
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.