We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.