Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn