Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right