Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.