absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?