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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!