Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.