Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
When you’ve simply given up.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose