Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”