Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
next question.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.