Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo: