when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Möther may I have a snäck
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us