Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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How animals would run if they were human
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy