I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
How dramatic are you?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change