me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
They got a point!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby