Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Your honor these allegations are
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.