Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you