[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I’m not proud
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?