Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.