I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME