I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.