me as a parent
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.