Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
You Might Also Like
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.