You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Shoo shoo! 😂
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Terribly Tuesday.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.