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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?