Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.