Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
You Might Also Like
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears