I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
this is how life feels
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
first you must answer his riddles
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.