The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?