“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.