I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”