When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.