them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
You Might Also Like
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again